I dont like Hurdle the verb

Before you think I'm a crazy dork who rants about inane words and their meanings, let me say in my defense that I AM a crazy dork who rants about inane words and their meanings.

Dictionary.com is my favorite website and I check it every single day. Another is www.urbandictionary.com because I am obsessed with how the Americans have transmogrified English and confused about why I love their version(s) so much and mostly, I just dont get it half the time. To understand American English, its not enuff to know that colour is color or the lift is the elevator. You're supposed to understand the goddamn cultural meaning of Jeff Goldblum and what Jon Stewart stands for and what Martha Stewart and Oprah really mean, and get obscure references to Star Wars and such. They say things like:

"He’s the Chuck Norris of exercise dancing."

And then, you're supposed to go look up who the fuck this Chuck Norris is. Then, you learn that all the Rajnikant jokes are actually Chuck Norris jokes, and then, you get super pissed off.

I even watched Star Wars just so I could understand what all the goddam references meant and what Fanboys (the movie) was about and what is with all the Princess Leia and the gold bikini references?? Now, I get it....a bit? So yea, I end up looking up words a LOOOOOOOOOOOOT as well.

Then, I learn all these obscure things which tickle me to bits. For example, did you know that "grandfather" is a verb? That pretty much made my day. Recently, I looked up "hurdle" and...guess what...its also a VERB! and I dont like it. I mean, I dont like its "verb" meaning, coz its the exact opposite of its noun meaning and even WORSE, one of the verb meanings is the opposite of the other verb meanings!!!!!! I mean, isn't English confusing enough? Do we really need to assign confusing meanings to the same word to overcomplicate an already befuddling language?

So, I propose a new meaning to Hurdle the verb: May people never confuse you with "overcoming" problems. May you always BE a problem or an obstacle and always MEAN "to have problems, obstacles."

Yes, I'm taking away the little happiness the word has, but its for the greater good. I have no qualms in pulling a Snape. (Dont make me explain this!)

This Christmas...

Christmas was never a big deal for me. Back in my school days, it was just a holiday. The concept of Santa and Christmas did not come through strong enough to register the same kind of enthusiasm I would have for Holi or Deepavali or even Sankranti, despite the carol singing in the school assembly and the Santa giving us candy at school and at the community Club. I guess my lack of enthusiasm was owing mostly to the quality of candy…it was usually the sour kind with an occasional piece of toffee thrown in.

Then came the US years which, ironically, added to my disillusionment of the whole Christmas hullaballoo. The way I saw it back then, it was just a whole lot of shopping, lots of fake sparkly stuff that would stick to you all the time, writing out cards that didn’t really say anything meaningful, feeling left out and not getting the whole drama…and yes, the unbearable cold. The only thing I liked was the snow and, this time, the candy :D By the end of my four years, though, I was sufficiently converted…made a few friends, got into the spirit of exchanging greeting cards, began to understand the romance of the sparkles and the lights and the tinsel and the wrapping paper and the piney, minty scent. A trip to NYC around that time really added to my joy…I still love lit up cities in chilly evenings (Ooooooh! I never get tired of the view of a lit-up Hussein Sagar in the winter evenings). The Christmas tree at the Rockefeller Centre, the people skating at the rink, the brilliant lights at Times Square and the bustling people in that busy corner of the world…and watching all this sipping Dunkin’ Donuts’ Vanilla Chai off of their “Styrofoam” cups…aaah bliss! :D Isn’t it ironic that I’m actually getting nostalgic for my days in the US? Weird how shit works out. 

And yes, after coming back to India, I guess I turned more “American” thanks to finally being able to watch TV! Despite all that HCU did and all the dissecting and analyzing and DE-CONSTRUCTING, all of sudden, today, the Christmas thing did creep up on me. Perhaps it was just the extra bite in today’s chill, perhaps it was just leisurely sipping the morning chai with my parents and talking or maybe it was the unexpected tears at the thought of a colleague moving away, who has managed to become quite dear in only a month and a half…or perhaps it was all this and so much more. But today, my favorite Christmas song is stuck in my head and I’ve been humming it all day. It just about sums up how I feel today…a quite, calm happiness. Merry Christmas, people! Wish you all a wonderful time filled with beautiful moments that give you a lifetime of happiness. 

Indias

I've often wondered about India and what it means. How do you define a country with a gazillion languages that come from 4. FOUR. language families, over a billion people with all kinds of races, with varying skin colours, hair types, eye hues, leg shapes, living over a mass of land that has all kindsa terrain, from snow-throughout-the-year to blazing-hot deserts complete with baked bits of land and colorful tribes with cracked lips?? HOW HOW HOW??

Wondering why I would even bother to define India? I have this overwhelming need to box things/people/ideas/concepts to begin to understand them. Yea, they can meander into deeper meaninglessness later on, but to BEGIN with, I need a basic definition to comprehend it, picture it in my mind.

But with India, as time passes, the picture only gets murkier, more amorphous. My Personal India has evolved and even de-volved, got oversimplified on the rare occasions that it was IN MY FACE in a nasty, ugly way. I'm sure everyone whoz ever even spent a weekend in this country knows what I'm talking about it. India is just like that. Some generalizations fit all the time and still manage to have exceptions all the time too!!?? I can only attempt to break it into pieces and collect as many as I can, stick 'em together and try to look for a coherent image, something WHOLE through these broken bits. I've tried it. But you know, its just like a mirror. When you look at broken pieces stuck together, they dont give you just one reflection. You end up looking at multiple bewildered faces reflecting your own questions, magnifying the uncertainty and chaos.

I've been going back and forth between umpteen different kinds of Indias for over a decade now. I guess my stint outside the country jarred me out of my narrow view of existence. The superimposition of my US years on my puberty is a sick cosmic joke...like I wasn't maladjusted enough in my own sphere of life, as if the hormonal shit wasn't confusing in itself!!! When I was away, I was more Indian than I've ever been my entire life...the good little silent wallflower. And ever since I've been back, I've had this overwhelming urge to be as badass as possible to make up for those lost years. Overcompensating? You betcha! I'm so much more "American" now. I cannot relate to my own parents. Okay, maybe thatz the generation gap. Fine, I dont relate to a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of my peers. I dont watch reality TV....lately, I just dont watch TV. I often used to have to pretend humming along to the popular tune of the day. I absolutely never knew which movie, which singer, who the actors were! I actually really do want the life of an average sitcom character (yea, deluded, I know). Recently, when I got excited that my parents were leaving me alone at home (finally!) for a few days, the girls in my office gave me really strange looks. When I half-jokingly said, "I dont even KNOW if I should get married," they winced and tried to hush me down. What, you cant see the scary part of it?? REALLY?? How do I relate to that?

And dont even get me started on the kind of "corporate" India I saw. Its mostly just a lot of young people with too much money at their disposal, working insane hours and partying everyday--can u call it partying if you do it everyday?--and calculatingly making and breaking relationships, seemingly hopping from one air-kissing friend to another. I dont get that crowd either and so many other crowds and so many other Indias...of a BILLION people!

This is the first time I've lived outside my home state of Andhra Pradesh...and let me tell you, its almost like living in another country sometimes. At work, I am again the butt of the translation jokes; I am often just either completely spaced out or end up with springwork-neck that has to move from one person to the other...in an attempt to decipher the expressions and guess at the context. Did u just call me 'bug'?? Oh...ur asking me to 'look'...RIGHHHHHTT (bagh=look in Marathi). What? Udaya(=tomorrow) is NOT morning?? Have I totally misconstrued everything in our conversations? Well, shit. And no, its not limited to the language, of course. There is sooooooo much more than just grammar and vocab that I am clueless about. Its often a whole different culture.

While all this was trying to bubble up to the surface for a long time now, I found fellow wonderers, questioners at HCU who've been just as confused exploring identities and evolving selves and shifting absolutes. And today, it gushed out because I revisited the words of one of my favorite people and her glimpses of India. When I read her words, I've often found myself yelling, "What the hell are you talking about?" or "I cant believe THAT is what you noticed. I've NEVER looked at it AT ALL." although there are many many "True dats" as well ;) It feels as if I'm reading about an India I've hardly ever seen; yet, I recognize the images. Its not my India...its the India of a woman who has set out to "see" India as only an outsider can...someone who has, in the process, become more Indian than us 06HEMAs at least. As greedy as I am for experience, albeit vicarious, can I even begin to imagine all the Indias out there?

The only comfort in this, sometimes, is the hilarity of things lost in translation. Sometimes, it's better when you share a momentary confusion with a fellow lost-soul. On rare occasions, it is amazing because you end up creating new definitions for your particular bits of India, coz it HAPPENS ONLY IN INDIA ONLY TO YOU! :)

Caffeine is for the half-dead!

I've been gulping caffeine-jacked slop all day.

Recipe:

Ingredients:

• 1 chipped piss-coloured mug with leftover stains of coffee smudges
• one shitload of wimpy brown gook that passes for coffee powder
• half a tablespoon already stuck with huuuuuuge granules of sugar so only about 2-3 fall into ur piss-coloured mug
• and a pinch of stale milk powder that reminds you of babies' spit up

The really complicated procedure that even Chuck Norris cant get right:

Throw everything together in the mug and stir like crazzzzzzzzzyyyyyy until the spoon twists...this ensures a thick lumpy brown sludge that ensures you are awake forever.

Caution: This can also be used instead of cyanide for those attempting a quick and painless suicide.

I, obviously, have been using this only to pry my eyes open and keep 'em that way until the clock strikes my favorite hour. But, apparently, I'm the un-dead coz this EXACT, PRECISE recipe followed painstakingly to the most meticulous detail did absolutely NOTHING for me. Yet, I dont know where my immortality ring is, I have no slurpy-elixir-making shiny red stone, no 7 bits of creepy soul things hidden away in my favorite torture chambers (Wait, where are my torture chambers?? Oh, all in my head! check, check, check and check...oooh, these three arent empty...hmmm!), I dont have creepy leathery skin (yet!) and frog eyes and rotting fingernails (zombies, right?)....so ummmm...why is this thing NOT working on me?

I just hope the coffee gods have not cursed me for preferring the Indian version with looooooooots of milk, sackfuls of sugar and a drop of coffee decoction...oooh...and delicious froth that only South-Indians can appreciate. Or perhaps, the wizards at CCD have performed some strange coffee-devil voodoo on me coz I bitched about having to make my own coffee and pay for it and it wud never be sweet enuff, dammit! Apparently, I need to graduate to stronger drugs :D

Tragedies

Today was a colleague's birthday. I'm new in this office and at lunch, I asked him what his plans were for later in the day...if we was going out with family etc. etc. I suck at making small talk, but I was determined to make an attempt anyway. I remember that he'd mentioned a 5-year old kid at an earlier such lunch session. Maybe it was his Marathified Hindi, maybe it was my half-assed listening, but I somehow got the feeling that that 5-year-old was a boy. So, today when he showed me his little girl's photo in his wallet, I was a little confused. I asked him if he also had a boy and he said that he had a baby boy but he passed away very young. The baby had a hole in his heart. I felt awful...of all the days to remind him of the child he lost!! Maybe I really should not attempt small talk. UGH.

bad girl

brows rise, sly eyes dog
jaunting away she revels
thrill of a broken rule

My God!

We humans, in our utter cluelessness of why the universe exists, and full of our zeal to find answers, are forced to turn either to science or God. I am not going to concern myself with those who believe in science as the be all and end all of universe. They have a luxury in the belief that, eventually, the answers are coming. I am also not going to concern myself with all those whose versions of God came down from their religions, communities, ancestors or what have you. They have a ready-made manual for life. If anything, I suppose, I should envy them.

I belong in the middle category, with those who cannot make up their mind. The politically correct name for our kind is “agnostic” and I would prefer not to go into any other labels, thank you very much. The one advantage of starting out in this category is that you can customize your God. Your God can be male, female, white, black, yellow, brown, short with long hair, tall with a white beard, floating on clouds or hanging around in cemeteries…Oh! the choices are unlimited. It is infinitely better than creating your avatar on Second Life. And the best part? You can keep upgrading your God at your will.

I’ve tried several ideas, borrowed from various sources and remodeled and upgraded my God over the years. I found my current God in a free e-book called God’s Debris by Scott Adams. Like the God of many others, this One is also omniscient. What I like about Him, however, is that He seems like an extension of a human, almost like a God-next-door. His omniscience proves to be his fatal(?) flaw. Since he already knows everything, he suffers from boredom, much like many of our frustrated-intellectual-turned-terrorists, and blows himself/the universe up. This is what we know as the Big Bang. However, being God, there seems to be no point in annihilating Himself. As the title “God’s Debris” suggests, God now exists in and as all his fragments which make up the universe. This again, is not a new concept. What is unique about it, though, is that it exonerates fat people. They, obviously, have more God in them.

Another fascinating theory presented in the book that compelled me to personalize its God was its reason behind the Internet. According to God’s Debris, God is trying to reconnect all his blown up parts “through the formation of a collective intelligence,” meaning, us humans. I’d like to think of us as God’s brain. I mean, it’s almost as if we had to come up with the Internet, which works very much like the neural connections in our brains.

This idea also appeals to the agnostic in me because it lets me continue as one. This is an amazing combination of both spirituality and science that perfectly explains the direction life on earth seems to be taking, what with the Blackberrys, Smartphones and iPads. All these are made possible only by the invention of the Internet and they make it quite easy to believe that one day, advanced versions of these could connect the entire universe.

In short, My God fits in nicely with science as well as spirituality. He manages to retain His position of being larger than life and beyond even science. He is the biggest thing we know – the Universe.

Oh yea...all youse asking 'Why?'...Well, hez just a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig, booooooored lonely guy :P

Time

Another journey ends...
No space for a heartbreak
Nothingness conquers my memories
A place of first loves and best friends
Turned into dry dust
By the hard hand of time
And ruthlessly it drags
My numbness through the tedium

Lament of the Lost Identity

Today, I am lost and I mourn
For a part of me is shorn.
Fevered and Hacked, my virtual soul,
Fell victim to a random asshole,
Who, for a few (nay...980!!!) dollars,
(Yeah right! What a scholar!!)
Obliterated my apps, pix, tags, comments, my facebook HISTORY!!
All I am is a virtual shadow, illusory,
With nothing left but a hollow shell
Of a Linkedin page, reducing me to 'Personnel',
With no persona, save for a few stale Tweets.
Save YOURSELF, ye un-hacked identities!
Beware of PDM KeyLogger, the deadly disease
That will, from you, your secrets tease.

Those ugly beings...

I cant breathe clean...nasty nasty...my hungry lungs...i suffocate..i'm claustrophobic...i pant and suck in air greedily...don’t close the door…I want in…its my room…I need space…get the fuck out…just leave me alone…just LEAVE ME ALONE…go away go away go the HELLL away…I want to scream…go away go away…love hate beauty ugly fat cold…oh soooooooooo cooldd coooooooooold….frozen…dirty…crawling all over my skin…grease…I hate you I hate you…how dare you…why do you get to say all those things…and why don’t i…I hate you…you talk you think its okay to say whatever u want wherever you want…and must listen and pretend I don’t hear…I see you everywhere you bastard I hate you I hate you…you are ugly ugly ugly…rotten black goo…powerless weasel snivelling…and I must see you everywhere…man man man…everywhere man…the arrogance…you stink of it…don’t go alone don’t go alone…its not safe…I wanna scream and cry and thrash and hurt and skin and tear and claw…

Image Source

I’m me I’m me I’m ME…leave me be…I want space…I need air…I need space to run and be and breathe and think and laugh and dance and gaze and love…midnight…biking…freedom…wind..cold cold air…waking up the rage…the anger...the thrill...the mad in me…do you want to be raped…oh mi god she is a slut…look at her clothes…rolling eyes...whispers...sleaze...dizziness...cold cooooooooooooldd…hands...warmth...dirtiness...eyes…oh those eyes that are everywhere...watching watching...always watching…smirking…SEEING...wondering…those eyes that I claw out..,claw and poke…and slap and kick and make you SHUT THE HELL UP…forever…just shut up shut up shut up shut up…I don’t wanna hear anymore…my life my life…its MY LIFE…I don’t need anything anyone…stupid…playing games…why why why why why...my completeness accept…my power my beauty my wholeness…always stepping crushing belittling stamping laughing touching groping feeling breaking spoiling stopping waiting scheming playing…dirty dirty dirty…power…I hate you…disappear…soft and sweet and fragrant mystery…shatter…probing, prodding…plane…angles…squares and circles...away away away…don’t meet…don’t meet...judging always judging…façade…cool cool closed scheming façade…that mask covering your ugly thoughts...cut it off...piece by piece…I hate you

Wildfire in AP

Disclaimer: This is purely MY very very objective exploration of MY conjectures. It is NOT my intent to proliferate any rumours that might aggravate any situation.

Just as the Telangana issue seems to be cooling down in the state, a new issue has suddenly cropped up. TV 5/TV 9 and other 'local' news channels have started reporting news from a suspect source (A Russian magazine 'The Exile(d)) that the Ambani brothers are behind YSR's death, which was in actuality, not an accident but a pre-meditated murder. Rumours are flying about that the pilot of the helicopter was bribed or his family was bribed or something...

Incidentally, believe it or not, I was discussing a theory with a few people before this news came out...and I'm quite convinced that YSR's death wasnt an accident. Only, one of the ppl I was discussing this with said..."You actually believe that somebody bribed the pilot and convinced him to COMMIT SUICIDE?"...I was, of course, speechless and mortified. But it COULD happen, right? Maybe I've been watching too many conspiracy movies...but YSR's sudden death DID seem very OUT OF THE BLUE...yea, u skeptics might ask say..."It was an accident, for heaven's sake!"...and I have no answer to that...except...call it a hunch or a woman's intuition or what have u....but do you remember the coverage? It was quite vague...and a minor glitch turned overnight into a tragedy for the state. YSR was supposedly just stranded somewhere...and the next minute, we find out that hez dead!

Then, the making of a martyr begins...blah blah...tussle for CMship between Rosayya and Jagan...and once thatz settled...our noseman, KCR starts fasting...and voila! Fuck up at the centre and the state starts burning. I donno how many of you noticed this, but everything happened quite suddenly in a span of 3 months...one after the other. I havent looked it up, but I heard from loadsa other ppl that KCR did try the fasting trick earlier and no one really bothered...WHY NOW? And a looooooooot of resigning and party-badlofying by all those ministers...jokes about Naidu and KCR NOT expecting an okay from the centre...criticism against Sonia and Chidambaram for being too hasty...and after all this hullabulloo....and now, strong signs of a 'NO' to Telangana from the centre!

And just as that was about to START cooling down, MAYBE....THIS! More property damage and a call for a bandh 2moro. Demands to know about the black box in the chopper...or the voice recording...apparently YSR and pilot in a verbal tussle before death...more rumours and hype. The supposed 'public' (read paid goons) resort to violence and an already volatile situation flares up even more. I'm sure 2moro's news will be full of refutations from the Ambanis...and then, some fart will call for a probe in the state...coz obviously somebody from the state was involved. All the big shots will be implied...I can only think of KCR, Naidu and OBVIOUSLY Jagan himself (my gawd, the sympathy right now could easily win him the CMship). Then, the real mystery will never unfold but fact upon fabricated fact will sensationalize the news even more...and eventually it'll die down...there might be a split and there might be a new CM...or not...but one things for SURE! It'll take the state AGES to recover. Before 2day's new addition, the state has already incurred a loss of 3000+ crores...or so I heard. Hyd is the worst hit, with MNCs and potential foreign investors taking their business elsewhere.

And ultimately, even if the Ambanis are really implicated in the issue...they are definitely going scot free...and once things have calmed down, they'll cover up the losses incurred in the state. The ones who are going to suffer, again, are the common people. Mostly, the lower-end workers in reliance establishments and to a slightly lesser extent, other reliance employees.

Ironically, it is the students who suffer the most in all this. Hotblooded, yes...but that doesnt have to make us stupid. These are all games played by bigshots to mint money...and we, who depend on jobs for our daily bread can hardly afford police records. Wake up, dammit...and please stop ruining public property!!!